The world’s media are gathering, and in an atmosphere of whiskery anticipation I can finally announce: it’s time for the results of Purdey’s PAWS Awards 2017!
A whole posse of posturing superstars are now sauntering nonchalantly down the red carpet as the guests assemble for this prestigious award ceremony. Who will snatch the Golden Fir Cone this year? Will it be Angel, for her subtly understated role in ‘Scream’, or her effortlessly stylish appearance in ‘Batman Begins’? Ponyo, for her ethereal charm and cloud-like fluffiness in ‘Joy‘ and ‘Twister’? Or myself, for my energetic and utterly convincing performances in ‘The Lion King’ and ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’? (I know there can be no contest, and this is just a rhetorical question. My own histrionic talents are entirely in a league of their own).
And now, without further ado, and before you quaff too much of that chicken-flavoured cocktail, I am excited to reveal the winner!
Your votes have been counted, and the suspense is almost too much to bear. It’s so quiet that you can hear Angel’s stomach rumbling. Not long now, Angel, the prawn pavlovas will be coming round soon.
And the winner is……..
I mean, ahem, many congratulations to Ponyo! Join me in a spontaneous round of applause! And now it’s over to the starlet herself, for the first comment after her inexplicable, I mean unexpected, triumph:
Daaaahhhlings! Thank you all so much! I was just lying here snoozin’ and my agent came with some news or other that I’ve just got this fabulous award. What is it? Ah, a gold fir cone, yes. Put it right there, not in front of my white bib, just to the right. Are my whiskers looking divine? Can you get the light in my eyes? Wait, I’m not ready… not enough paw fluff… all right, but show me the proofs first. Ah, nice, Vogue will love that. Delightful. Can I go back to sleep now?
And a brief word from Angel:
Has there been an announcement? Did I win anything? No? Oh! But thank you all who voted for me, and I love you all with plentiful purrs. I’ve just been sniffing this rainbow banana and it’s delicious.
Ponyo and Angel, thank you both, and we look forward with great anticipation to your theatrical performances in 2018. (Seriously, I’m going to get some fur extensions. It’s the only way I’m going to win this). In the meantime, don’t worry about me, because I’m perfectly capable of brushing off yet another humiliating defeat with grace and humour. Ponyo is my beloved friend, after all. I dearly remember her lounging in all the doorways when she came to visit. Don’t mind me. You know that new catnip mouse? I’ve stuffed it under the sideboard, along with 24 bits of chewed cardboard. No, no, don’t put yourself out. I’ve got this. NO photographs. WHAT did I say? That’s it – another agent, please. Any offers?